I was reading this “’Favorite jokes’”:http://diveintomark.org/archives/2004/06/18/favorite-jokes post Mark Pilgrim made and there are a couple of really great jokes in there (in particular in the comments).
Here are my favourites:
bq. Three kids are walking down the street, called Shit, Fuck Off and Your Manners. For some, unexplained reason, Shit collapses. Your Manners stays to see to him, while Fuck Off runs round the corner for help.
bq. He runs into a stereotypical English policeman and starts gibbering at him, visibly shaken, in an attempt to solicit help. The policeman says “’Allo, ‘allo! Calm down, young lad! Now, tell me, what’s your name?”
bq. “Fuck Off” comes the reply. “Now, now!” says the policeman, “Where’s your manners?”. The boy replies “Round the corner picking up Shit”.
bq. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
bq. A stick.
bq. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
bq. Anyone can roast beef.
bq. Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires.
bq. Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks
bq. A penguin, bored with the Antarctic weather, was on holiday driving through outback Australia when he started hearing a strange knocking sound from the car’s engine. Knowing how dangerous it would be for a polar sea-bird to be stuck in the middle of the desert, he quickly pulled into the next service-station.
bq. The mechanic took a quick look at the car, and said “Mate, it’ll take me a few minutes to find out whats going on”, so the penguin ducked (penguined?) into the shop and bought an ice-cream. Unfortunately, the hot sun was melting the ice-cream, and penguin flippers not being the most dextrous of limbs, he got as much ice-cream on his face as he did in his mouth.
bq. Rather annoyed now, the penguin went back to the mechanic to see what was wrong. The mechanic looked at the penguin for a moment, and shook his head.
bq. “Mate, I’m sorry, but it looks like youve blown a seal.”
bq. “No, no!”, replied the penguin. “It’s only ice-cream!”